Armageddon (1998)

Bruce Willis in the lead, a seemingly exciting supporting cast (including comic relief from the brilliant Steve Buscemi), and the world about to end! What could possibly go wrong? Michael Bay, how do i loathe thee? Let me count the ways!

1. Story. As usual Bay can't be bothered to get a single thing right here. Whether it is the main story (OK, it's pretty simple, but still, uninteresting to follow, or the secondary stories for the characters. The latter are so screamingly unoriginal and idiotic that it begs belief. Obviously, all past is wiped out in a whisker, leaving all characters (that survive) with brand new chances with everything in life. Amazing.

2. Patriotism. How many American flags can you shove into one film? Or little children playing with NASA props? Bay is about as subtle as a freight train going through a store selling only kittens at 250 mph. And these medley where he shows people from all around the world uniting. Not once, not twice, but three times? Does he really think this is clever or original? The sentimentality had me fuming.

3. Casting. Willis' character is given a lengthy description early on. That Willis' is unable to even come close to a believable rendition of. In a bunch of hicks and misfits, Willis is supposed to be the one that can't grow up? A bunch that includes yet another Owen Wilson lovable cowboy? Hardly. Affleck has only been cast well 3-4 times in his career and is his usual embarrassing self here, made even worse by a Liv Tyler that must be the most obvious miscast in Hollywood history. Seriously? Liv Tyler as a woman grown up amongst rough brutes and now an independent, strong-willed woman with a man's attitude as she stands up to her dad? Who could possible be stupid enough to think that this was even remotely close to a good idea?
Buscemi provides his most pedestrian quirky here, so the only actor that is able to deliver in this tripe is the ever-present Billy-Bob... as a NASA head. Oh the irony. Honorable mention also for Jason Isaac's first scene.

4. Length. With a 20-minute script and 30 minutes of effects, Armageddon clocks in at 154 minutes. Meaning there is plenty of senseless boredom and scenes that provide absolutely nothing.

5. Characters. All cartoonish and stereotyped with back-stories so daft even Ed Wood had re-written them, Bay really doesn't seem to care. I can't bare the thought that he is useless enough to have tried. Furthermore, you can spot who will live and die within 10 minutes. Oh, the pain.

Add to this some stupid slo-mo team pictures every half hour, a dreadful voice-over by Charlton Heston and the insult to ears that is "I don't wanna miss a thing" (and all instrumental variations of it in the film) and this really is a stinker.

So, are there any redeeming factors here? Well, yes. Bay manages to keep suspense in the only room without explosion (NASA control room) mostly due to aforementioned Billy-Bob and there are some cool explosions. Furthermore, it's hilarious to see Willis whack golf-balls at Greenpeace.

3/10

Nacho Libre (2006)

Up until this flick, someone actually thought that everything Jack Black did was funny. Well, for proof of the opposite, look no further.

Call me naive, but I actually thought that Black and wrestling could be funny. And perhaps it could have been without Jared Hess at the helm with his family as co-writers. Let's start with the writing. There is no story here. At all. Just some stupid attempt at stealing from 1000 movies that are almost equally bad. That has never stopped Jack Black from being funny before, though, so something has to be new. Oh! Right! There are no jokes either. I'm pretty sure half the script reads something like: "Jack Black is fat and in leotards", "There is a fat kid that thinks Jack Black is cool" and "Mexican people are ugly". Hysterical. Not.

The only direction it seems Black gets here is "Do antics". So he does.We've seen most of them before, we know he is fat, and we know he has a decent voice (so why not give him a decent tune at least?). No one laughs. And about the direction: At times you wonder if it was too inconvenient to get all the actors together to do the shooting. All dialogue is filmed one face at a time. If you are making a drama and you use this as a tool to create distance between the characters, that's fine. In a film like this it is as misplaced as a decent joke would have been.

They fill some of the void with some very tiresome medleys with equally tiresome music, for absolutely no comic effect.

Unless you laugh every time you see a fat person smiling or stressed, there is absolutely no reason to spend your time on this, thankfully short, film.

2/10

The Guns of Navarone (1961)

An early war-classic, this was based on Alistair MacLeans novel by the same name, a novel most acclaimed by critics. So does the film do it justice?

Quite frankly, yes. There are some flaws, but all in all this is a classic by it's own right.

First and foremost the casting is brilliant. Though Gregory Peck and Anthony Quinn are good, it is David Niven that gives the most riveting performance. His insolence cemented in his first two lines, leaving the viewer in no doubt as to what kind of a soldier he is.

Straight to the high-point: The stand-off between a furious and baiting Niven and the desperate Peck taken in by his earlier actions, is an astonishingly acted scene, beautifully directed. The quick shock, followed by the late reaction and utterly crestfallen look on Niven's face as his well-argued bluff gets called is a detail to behold and a turning point of his entire character. Marvelous and surely one of the best scenes of the decade!

This film is at its best when it plays to its strengths, and in particular its cast. The lines are well written and the characters all have their little quirks and twists, exemplified nicely through Stanley Baker's speech about his tiredness over the war, and particularly his own stature as the "Butcher of Barcelona". And to the director's credit it's not just a speech, but has consequences throughout the movie (take a lesson, Spielberg).

Director Thompson does the novel credit by panning out the plot very nicely, never overstating. The traitor-angle (which can easily be dealt with in a clumsy manner) start out as tiny traces only the most observant viewer will catch on to, slowly building up until it can be ignored no longer. Another plus to the director for portraying the Nazis less like caricatures than most early war-films, particularly through Walter Gotell.

Unfortunately the film has two weaknesses. There is too much slow suspense, and it's not very evenly distributed throughout the movie. The sinking boat followed by the climbing is almost half an hour where the director is looking for one single effect from the film and affect from his audience. Sounds tedious? It is after a while and with a running time of 150 minutes, it really could have needed the shave.

Furthermore, Dimitri Tiomkin's score is woeful. The theme is patriotic and light-hearted. That could have worked decently during the credits, but unfortunately we're treated to variations over this theme throughout the movie, whether there's suspense, action or drama. It helps neither and destroys the mood of the two last in particular.

The set pieces are of course astronomical for its time and I imagine it must have been a nightmare for the actors to endure the necessary treatment to get it looking good. And that it does!

A must see for all intents and purposes if you like the any of the spy- or wargenre.

8/10

The Other Guys (2010)

Did you ever notice that in many cop-movies, and series, there is "another" team. They're often sub-par at their job, they make very bad jokes and they are always petty enough to grin foolishly when the good cops get yelled at by their captain. Perhaps you thought it would be interesting to make a full feature about that pair? Well, someone did. And boy howdy, were they ever wrong.

If this film proves anything at all, it is that the other guys really are douches. And 107 minutes of two protagonists without redeeming features, really is a concept very few would be foolish enough to make. Ferrell is at his most annoying, taking elements from his brilliant turn in "Stranger than Fiction" making you hate him just a little bit more. Wahlberg on the other hand is so awful it begs belief he has ever been able to do quality comedy (like Ted). He is quite simply a jerk, obnoxious and irrational without it ever being amusing.

When reading the script to BASEketball, Trey Parker reportedly sighed "We're gonna need a lot of jokes to pull this off". As is the case here. Only the jokes are not funny. At all. The best joke by far compares a Toyota Prius to a vagina, and quite frankly Penn&Teller's Bullshit had better jokes on that area. And they're skeptics and magicians.

Furthermore, you know you're in trouble when Dwayne (The Rock) Johnson has the best line of the movie. He dies early on anyway, taking a Samuel L. Jackson with him in his most dire performance to date. I hope he got very well paid.

Other than that, there are some decent set-pieces, a few explosions and a very predictable Mexican stand-off as well as some unnecessary cameos from actors that should know better (Michael Keaton) and some who really deserve this tripe (Eva Mendes, Rosie Perez).

In one of the scenes Ferrell tells Wahlberg: "I'm tired of you getting angry and yelling all the time. It's exhausting". Yes it is, Ferrell. Like this whole experience.

2/10

Con Air (1997)

"Produced by Jerry Bruckheimer"... If ever there was a phrase to scare Mensa (or even the remotely smart) that is it.

There will be no script, no depth in characters and no originality. There will be gas bombs (and later CGI) in abundance though.

Yupp! That applies here as well. Fortunately for Con Air, it's not without it's perks either.

The opening scene has Nic Cage imprisoned for defending himself in a manner done so exceptionally much better by David Lynch in Wild at Heart. Then there is some tedious (thankfully short) legal malpractice and some overly sentimental build-up with letters between father and daughter before Simon West decides it's time to get to the part we're all waiting for.

And here we see where they actually went right. The casting is eminent! Malkovich is fantastic when evil just for the sake of being evil, Colm Meaney brings a little life to a nothing of a part whereas Ving Rhames brings a huge presence and M.C. Gainey a wild and most entertaining cameo meant to bring a grin to your face as he seems utterly unable to grasp the enormity of any situation the cons are under. A late introduction of Steve Buscemi proves the most brilliant move of all as his quiet demeanor and hideous crimes bring stark contrast. Along with Malkovich he also has the few good lines written here. Oh? I forgot Cusack and Cage in the leads? Not really. They're not particularly well cast. Though none of them are bad, they just barely make good on their pay-check's. Cage needs to get a bit of credit for his building of torso though, as well as his brawls. I do so enjoy a brawl without spin-kicks and climbing on walls. I'll take the massive punches to kidneys and jaws anytime.

Then there's the action. There's plenty. And though some of it is just plain stupid, a lot of it is fun. Particularly the break-out scene and the claustrophobic fight in a 4 feet tall compartment between two big guys stand out. And Bruckheimer practically invented the intervals of action-sequences so you are very rarely bored.

But it does lack all that a Bruckheimer-flick is supposed to lack. Most of the lines are horrible, the interaction of a more serene and dramatic kind is beyond redemption and the surprises are nowhere to be found.

So if you're looking for a few smirks and a lot of action, this will do. Otherwise. Look for something without Bruckheimer's name on it. As for as he goes, this is actually one of his very best.

6/10

Zero Dark Thirty (2012)

Sometimes you can have 15 good ideas and kill them all off with one bad one. Thus came this somewhat messy drama about the hunt for courier of Osama Bin Laden.

The bad idea is the character Maya. She brings nothing to the story. Poor Jessica Chastain is the skidmark of the cast in this (naturally there were awards to get for her). I suppose Bigelow wanted to add a conscience into the horrors, but it's misplaced Hollywood'ism of the worst sort in every single scene in the first third. She comes up with some softer, smarter interrogation techniques, making it even more moralizing. It gets a bit more believable as she gets so caught up in her work (even downright obsessive after a while), that she starts to accept all the torture (and even adopts the style of her mentor), but it's still a pedestrian character that lacks exceptionally in depth. And therefore interest.

Jason Clarke, however, is absolutely brilliant in his callousness and thorough demeanour well flanked by Reda Kateb as the broken Ammar (they give us a deep impact of a start). He's quickly sidelined though. Another spectacle is James Gandolfini. Such a small part, such great impact. Just a fat diplomat with ugly hair and a quiet voice. Now there's a character of quality and a casting-choice of sheer brilliance.Who needs to yell when everyone in the room knows you are the most powerful person there.


The film is slow-paced and often dialogue-based. I like that. It is smart and at times demanding to follow. It's at its best when dealing with politics. Overpaid bureaucrats in quiet hallways, threatening each other in most diplomatic and friendly ways, leaving the recipient pondering the consequences. However, Bigelow fails to come up with any suspense to mention until the very end, and even the parts you don't remember from the news is fairly predictable.

The story itself isn't bad. Furthermore, it has a keen sense for detail. The problem is that the main character is the worst character in the movie. Less than believable and stereotyped in development. And there is no real explanation for the development either.


A very popular and predictable Hollywood-technique with films like these is the random inserting of archive footage from actual incidents to remind the viewer how real this is. Call me a cynic, but I'm tired of it. It's manipulative and has been done to death.

I thought "The Hurt Locker" was overrated. This flick is vastly so. I suppose the world respects Bigelow much more as a director than I do. Does no one remember "K19: The Widowmaker" and "Point Break"?

6/10

Another 48 Hours (1990)

Ah. The estranged sequel. Produced as much as eight years later it actually made more money than its predecessor. Unfortunately, that only proves that the world wants to be fooled. Not a bad film, but it falls short of the original. As is usually the case.


Nolte and Murphy show some early promise on their banter, Nolte's calm, dry comments a hilarious response to the world screwing Murphy over and over. Generally Murphy isn't as funny as the first instalment, but his "bad day" speech with finale is outstanding. All whilst Nolte stands tall with no reaction at all. Unfortunately, the chemistry is more hit-and-miss than the original.

On the bright side, the bad guys are given more time on-screen, thus giving them more impetus. On a darker note, they are very much stereotype evil sadistic bikers on hogs.They also scream incessantly whenever they are shot at. Most annoying. The Iceman-obsession is not very believable and the final twist is more daft than it is surprising. Better is the Internal Affairs-angle, but that is mostly due to the extremely despicable Kevin Tighe finding some meat on a very old bone. Besides, he brings out the best of Nolte's self-righteous anger. Many angles you say? Yes, there are. And when they also follow a hit-and-miss-pattern, the film loses focus.

In the American tradition of a sequel having to be "bigger, faster and louder" the action-scenes are more massive. Some outright cool. You can't go wrong with a bus flipping over multiple times. The scenery is much the same as it was. There are bars and plenty of boobs. It would appear that all shoot-outs and bar-fights need a least one pair of tits in these flicks. Fair enough.

And in case you wandered: Nolte still has "the look".

5/10