Armageddon (1998)

Bruce Willis in the lead, a seemingly exciting supporting cast (including comic relief from the brilliant Steve Buscemi), and the world about to end! What could possibly go wrong? Michael Bay, how do i loathe thee? Let me count the ways!

1. Story. As usual Bay can't be bothered to get a single thing right here. Whether it is the main story (OK, it's pretty simple, but still, uninteresting to follow, or the secondary stories for the characters. The latter are so screamingly unoriginal and idiotic that it begs belief. Obviously, all past is wiped out in a whisker, leaving all characters (that survive) with brand new chances with everything in life. Amazing.

2. Patriotism. How many American flags can you shove into one film? Or little children playing with NASA props? Bay is about as subtle as a freight train going through a store selling only kittens at 250 mph. And these medley where he shows people from all around the world uniting. Not once, not twice, but three times? Does he really think this is clever or original? The sentimentality had me fuming.

3. Casting. Willis' character is given a lengthy description early on. That Willis' is unable to even come close to a believable rendition of. In a bunch of hicks and misfits, Willis is supposed to be the one that can't grow up? A bunch that includes yet another Owen Wilson lovable cowboy? Hardly. Affleck has only been cast well 3-4 times in his career and is his usual embarrassing self here, made even worse by a Liv Tyler that must be the most obvious miscast in Hollywood history. Seriously? Liv Tyler as a woman grown up amongst rough brutes and now an independent, strong-willed woman with a man's attitude as she stands up to her dad? Who could possible be stupid enough to think that this was even remotely close to a good idea?
Buscemi provides his most pedestrian quirky here, so the only actor that is able to deliver in this tripe is the ever-present Billy-Bob... as a NASA head. Oh the irony. Honorable mention also for Jason Isaac's first scene.

4. Length. With a 20-minute script and 30 minutes of effects, Armageddon clocks in at 154 minutes. Meaning there is plenty of senseless boredom and scenes that provide absolutely nothing.

5. Characters. All cartoonish and stereotyped with back-stories so daft even Ed Wood had re-written them, Bay really doesn't seem to care. I can't bare the thought that he is useless enough to have tried. Furthermore, you can spot who will live and die within 10 minutes. Oh, the pain.

Add to this some stupid slo-mo team pictures every half hour, a dreadful voice-over by Charlton Heston and the insult to ears that is "I don't wanna miss a thing" (and all instrumental variations of it in the film) and this really is a stinker.

So, are there any redeeming factors here? Well, yes. Bay manages to keep suspense in the only room without explosion (NASA control room) mostly due to aforementioned Billy-Bob and there are some cool explosions. Furthermore, it's hilarious to see Willis whack golf-balls at Greenpeace.

3/10