Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (1999)

Never has a film been as anticipated as this. Googly-eyed nerds were waiting for this for decades. And when it was released, it killed the hopes and dreams of all aforementioned nerds. But had they simply collected too high expectations for too long a time, or is it really the stinker they all thought it to be?

Unfortunately, it's the latter. And whereas there were many mistakes made here, none where bigger than the cast and characters. The least first: Even a lot of the extras here are horrible. Actors with 1-2 lines. I can't really remember the last film where that was a problem? George Lucas even manages to make battle droids, whose single purpose is to be an army, annoying and idiotic. Perhaps his many limitations in writing were too big to make the main characters smart, and instead he chose to dumb the rest down.
And speaking of dumb: The idea of Jar-Jar Binks must be the single worst idea since the invention of the motion pictures. Imagine someone having the idea to replace Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. With Rosanna Barr. Now imagine it being transformed into porn. Still starring Jason Alexander as the customer. That's how bad he is. It would be bad enough if he just showed up from time to time as comical relief to piss me off. The problem here is that he is ever-present. If there's a battle scene, he's there to make a mockery of it. If there's a sad funeral, his infernal antics will screw up that mood as well. If there's suspense or action, well you get the picture. I hate him so very, very much.

Another unfathomable mistake Lucas makes is the casting of Jake Lloyd as Anakin Skywalker. OK, so it's not good sportsmanship to thrash a little kid. But he's an adult now. Besides, he sucks and will suck it up. It's very easy to come up with many examples of directors who managed to find brilliant children for their parts. Actually, more usual than the opposite. Lloyd hardly gets a scene or emotion right. It's all Ed Wood-style from the first to the last "Yuppie". This kid couldn't even act dead. Or roll around for that matter.

But as McGregor is hugely uneven and the usually rock-solid Portman absolutely terrible here, there is little else to do than blame the director. When two-thirds of the cast are plain awful, the direction (and cutting) simply isn't good enough. Extra kudos to Liam Neeson then, for somehow managing to give a good performance despite being dragged down by some pretty stupid lines. He sets a fatherly tone towards both Anakin and Obi-Wan and seems stoic and confident throughout. Other than that McDiarmid is brilliant as Palpatine, but that's 3-4 scenes. In third place is the stuntman playing Darth Maul. Thankfully we are at least treated to a whole new generation of lightsaber-wielders.

And why would a man that is unable to script a decent dialogue use half an hour of his film on politics? I understand that this is imperative for Palpatine's rise to power, but in this franchise it seems utterly misplaced and without any tension. Probably a bit because it is also done very poorly.

So, is there nothing to redeem this horrid use of computer storage space? The pod-race is kind of cool, but 100% predictable in every aspect and it would appear as if George Lucas just switched the engines from whoever "Herbie" raced and went along with it.
The scenery is of course stunning, and visually it appears Lucas is finally in the time he deserves. John Williams is still composing kick-ass scores to this franchise (except for the final march, a fitting tune to the inept and stupid (God, I hate him!) Jar-Jar) and there are cute robots.

Unfortunately, this film is every bit as bad as the infuriated fans felt. It's not the worst ever made, but considering the anticipation and the pathos of its predecessors, it hardly could have been worse.

2/10