Transformers (2007)

A movie like Transformers certainly needs a voiceover, and Peter Cullen demonstrates that he is still an apt choice for Optimus Prime

The first part of this flick is very much without any point of originality and Bay just seems to check things off as we go. Bad omen. The soldiers giving each other a "hard" time, the helicopter, the baby that hasn't seen it's daddy (the natural leader of the soldiers) yet with its mother. And of course, the resolute military response met with utter destruction and serious ass-kicking leading to the inevitable "how can we ever beat something so smart and powerful" question that will set up the young hero; Cue the devastatingly useless Shia LaBeouf, naturally a social misfit of a somewhat stressed but smart type. All written in 4 minutes by a dozen chimpanzees.

As Michael Bay probably knows he is the most stupid director in Hollywood and his films provide the mental challenge of scratching your scrotum, he makes sure all women (including all the extras)are stunning. Even the nerdy ones that hang with other nerds with beards and unwashed hair are absolutely stunning. Utterly stupid. Megan Fox works though, but it is a bit more believable that girl-next-door Kirsten Dunst want Peter Parker than that pornstar-sexy Fox would go for the useless Labeouf.

The family provides a couple of chuckles, but mostly unnecessary background for the annoying dork. Or like Ironhide put it: "The parents are very irritating. Can I take them out?". I understand your pain, Ironhide. Yes you can!

So Labeouf will mostly run around screaming things like "nonononononononono", drooling at women or acting like a dufus. And for this he gets the girl. Argh!

Bay overdoes the use of slo-mo in every film he makes, and this is no exception. And when he leaves what probably is supposed to be a subtle hint, it's like standing in a desert where a nuke goes off for everyone who doesn't have both eyes in a bag of chips.

When it comes to comic relief, Bay is more useless than most, and he fails particularly stunningly here. As mentioned Labeouf spends most of his time on-screen (and that is most considerable) whining and screaming. So does all the comic relief, thus making the level of annoyance grave.

And when it comes to romance he just adds a sun in the back shining through alongside some closeups. God, I hate Michael Bay.

So, is there any redemption? Well, Transformers are cool, as is John Turturro. He's so above and beyond the rest of the trash here that I suspect he was allowed to write his own lines for parts of the film (not the last third). And there are a couple of cool set-pieces here, though most are destroyed partly either by overuse of slow-motion or Bay's eagerness to rotate cameras.

So 2 points for Optimus and 1 for the fact that at least you rarely have time to be bored.

3/10